And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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