please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
