this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
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