So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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