and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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