My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I need to calm my uterus...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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