I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
