I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Randomize
