I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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