Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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