I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
