this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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