I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
