the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
