I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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