I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
