i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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