god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
