Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
