the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
