so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
