That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
