My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
