Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
