Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
