oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
