glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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