All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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