i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
