I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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