I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
