I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
