Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
