That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
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