Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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