I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
