It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
