i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
