great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
