I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
