Umm I'm too high to move.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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