I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
In other news, I just burned my penis
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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