i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
it's like iHOP with fire
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
