haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize