I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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