Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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