the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Randomize
