I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
