we're chasing vodka with high fives
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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