I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
