Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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