Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
