Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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