there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
