I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
